Many independent disabled people get asked why they don’t ask for more help. I have decided to write this post to explain the reasons why I don’t always ask for help.
1. I don’t need help
Let us get the most obvious reason out of the way first. I may not need any help. It is obvious but many people don’t understand it. Just because someone thinks I should need help doesn’t mean I actually do need any.
2. Not listening
Most of the times help is offered the person offering doesn’t listen to my response. This is a common experience for disabled people. If you want to know more please read the Just Ask Don’t Grab campaign post. The best outcome is that things become more difficult form. It often results in a situations that are more dangerous.
3. Lack of control
One thing that most disabled people experience is a lack of control. This can range from having less control of their body to having minimal control of their life. I find that every time I get help it limits the decisions I can take.
Asking for help shouldn’t reduce my independence or control. However it normally results in having decisions forced on me.
A simple example would be if I asked for help pushing my wheelchair. This would give the person pushing me control of where we go and how fast. Another example is when I ask for help with adapting my home. I had hundreds of decisions forced on me and had my options limited.
4. Personal safety
Often the help offered is not safe for me or for the person offering the help. If you have read the Just Ask Don’t Grab campaign page you will see that it’s a common situation.
I have had people “Help” me get up after falling. They normally try lifting me from under my arm pits. This is dangerous for both of us and completely fails to help. If they had listened to me (point 2) they would know it’s best to wait until I can get myself up. I then ask for something solid for me to pull myself up.
5. The help I need is not available
The fifth reason is more subtle. I may need some help but the assistance required is not available. There are 2 main possibilities:
- Help is needed but not the help that is being offered.
- I have tried to ask for help but been blocked.
For example being offered help writing a CV (Curriculum vitae) when I actually need help filling in an application form.
An example of blocking my request for help is having to spend an hour on the phone to request the help then find I’m not eligible to get any.
Unfortunately most of the time my requests are blocked or the help required isn’t available. This make me less likely to ask for help in the first place.
6. Reliability
It’s important that I can trust and rely of the those helping me. My experience is that many people are unreliable. There are also lots of people who can’t be trusted. I know that sounds nasty. To explain this imagine the following situation.
A friend wants to meet me somewhere new. I ask them to check the access of a venue for me in advance. I need to know that they will:
- Check the access
- Understand my access needs
- Let me know in time.
It doesn’t help me if they fail to do any of those actions. I need to rely on them doing all these things and trust them to do it correctly. If I choose to go to a venue that isn’t accessible, I need to know someone will be there on time to help me. The timing is important as poor access limits how long I can stay.
Every time I ask for help I’m trusting people to do what I need and relying on them to do it properly when I need it.
7. Help offered is not for my benefit
This will sound silly at first. People often offer help for their own benefit not to help anyone else. The main reason I see people helping me so they can show off how good they are. Another common reason is being ordered to help by the people they are with. Both of these reasons benefit the person “helping” not me. They often make things much worse for me.
I don’t have a problem with both of us benefiting from the help. I actually pref it if the person helping also benefits. For example if I need a something done and a friend needs an excuse to go out.
I enjoy teaching so when I help train someone I benefit by feeling better. The important thing is I support the person I’m training the way they need.
Summary
Over the years I have requested and received lots of help. I have learnt that on the rare occasions I ask for help it’s not available. When I have been helped it often causes me more trouble. Therefore I have decided it’s normally best just to cope on my own. One friend summed it up perfectly.
I mean… often asking for help is all about conditioning, so when you’ve been conditioned that no amount of asking for help will result in it, you tend to not bother asking :S